The TPVB guys just left my place not too long ago. Off to have a friendly match at Victoria School. More than 10 of them stayed overnight yesterday. My sister had a party at home and boy was i glad that i could mingle around with them so much.
He came as well. Being the chef of the Lin family yesterday, he whipped up a good meal and emptied my refrigerator. All my breakfast for the whole of this week gone within a wink. I din get to taste it cos once the food were ready, the other guys devoured em and i was too full to have any.
I was his assistant cook. Mainly washing the dishes and bringing things over to him when he asked for. We spent a great deal of time together in the kitchen. Just the two of us. My heart was beaming, my face acted like nothing.
Once again the TPVB guys thought we were together. But i said no, and we will never. 4 people squeezing on my king size bed last night. He was beside me. And the cheeky him din wanna sleep, kept tickling and poking my ribs, hitting me with the mini bolster, stealing my pillow and bolster and even tried to steal my blanket.
I was so tired i fell asleep and when i woke up, he was gone. He left without a word, din even leave my share of breakfast. I wanted to see him so badly when i woke up this morning. He was the first thing on my mind. But yet, he aint the first person i see when i opened my eyes.
Was kinda disappointed. But im still glad he came last night. A new memory ethced inside.
Alright, crashing Sentosa now with Joanna. Here i come!
Im yawning away and my eye lids are shutting. Im totally worn out but im staying up to meet up with my lucky star at 2am to celebrate his birthday at East Coast. I baked a cake for him and i hope its edible cos its the first time i baked a cake on my own.
My weekends were spent with my fellow Citibank-ers. Yes, i was working throughout the entire week. And i mean, the ENTIRE week. Sales was bad today and yesterday but hey, i was the top seller for yesterday! Closed almost half of the entire sales received. Im good! Just kidding.
Havent had a good rest since i dont know when. 2 off days and i have to go back to work again. School's starting in like 1 week's time. Man, im deprived of freedom and fun. Projects not completed, skin not tanned, everything is all in a mess. -shrugs-
I hope he comes and ton over at my place tomorrow. Then we can walk Ebony to East Coast early in the morning to catch the sunrise. I can picture the romantic scene. Well, prolly in my dreams. But initially he wanted to come NOW, just that im meeting up with a friend and he has to go to the gym early in the morning tomorrow. Too bad. Booooo
40 more mins to meeting up, hours to go before i can get to sleep. yawns.
I wanna go to Roxy Jam tomorrow!! But i cant cos i have work on Sunday morning too! Argh. So sad. -pouts-
I wanna go Roxy Jam! I want i want i want i want i wantttt!! Im so dead jealous of my sister's new tann. She have been going to Sentosa everyday for the past days cos of a volleyball camp she attended and now she's so freakin tanned and im back to the old ugly ugly pale pale sickly coloured me. Im so friggin jealous. I wanna go Roxy Jam! I wanna go Sentosa! I wanna have lotsa fun and more fun!
Just ended a 3 day roadshow at Jurong and tomorrow there's another roadshow near my place for 2 days. Im so dead tired. I felt so dead. There isnt even any free time for my own leisure, for my own entertainment. I feel so drifted away from my social life. I need a life baby! -grumbles-
Daddy bought a digicam which can also be a mp3player for me today. Yay. Though i dont know wtf brand it is, i hope its something good. Daddy always buy lousy stuffs that spoils fast. I hope this time its good.
There's a party at Gspot today. Its officially launched and Jeremy invited me there. But im so dead tired and gotta wake up early for work today i decided to skip it. Damnit. I feel like a loser! Where's all my freedom man.
Prolly organising a house party this Sunday. Drinking session with my ladies and the guys. We gonna drink till we're drunk. But who's gonna sponsor all the hard liquor? Ive no idea. Haha. Whatever.
You can never get the best of two worlds.
Its either me or she.
Make your choice.
Choose one.
And live with it.
This is the 4th time Ebony got her teeth laid on my slippers and heels. 4 spoilt shoes caused by her. Im going bonkers! Soon i'll be walking down town barefooted. Im so super pissed!
Off day today. Practically spending my day aimlessly. Trying to get my msn started with 2 accounts log on at the same time. It used to be this way, but not anymore ever since i installed the newer version. argh. Pissed again!
I was home alone da whole day! Can u imagine? Dad was out since i woke up. No idea where he could have been to early in da morning. He usually goes out for mahjong only in the evening or at night. Which means, no one cooked lunch for me. Im so pissed again! But i cooked curry noodles myself. =D
School is starting in 2 weeks time. And supposingly i dont have to work next week so i could enjoy my last week of holidays. But i received a phonecall this noon and ive to be at the roadshow next week at Yishun. There goes my enjoyment for the next week with my ladies who had all their Olvl papers ending today. 4th time pissed today!
Just hope i wont be pissed anymore when im out to dinner with mummy later. The only thing that could make me piss are her naggings and our decision for dinner later. Cos i wanna eat good food which meant expensive food. And i bet she's gonna go for cheap food from the foodcourt. lol. We shall see about that.
Oh yah, for peeps in Accounting and Finance, im in 1A02 and gotten Psychology for CDS. If any one of you are in the same class as me, you're so damn fortunate. LOL. Let me know yes? toodles~
Brought Ebony out to Parkway for a little shopping in the noon with my mama. Bought her a new leash. She was shivering and tearing throughout. Guess she was nervous and scared. But it was so cute carrying her around the shopping mall in my little brown bag. People that saw it were all like "woahh..so cute..". First human natural reaction eh?
Caught Bridget Jones Diary yesterday. Isnt that impressive with the movie. Was yawning away. Maybe because it was late in da night and i wasnt that interested in the movie. Bought a purple butterfly necklace to match my purple skirt, as well as a orange-brown butterfly bracelet yesterday. So butterfly-ly. lol.
Life have been quite stagnant and routine these days. Am working everyday, office hours. Hence i have been sleeping early and waking up at like 6 or 7am to go to work. Its the earliest time i wake up for work.
Tomorrow i gotta wake up at 6am and reach Jurong at 8am for roadshow. After which i still gotta head back to office and work till 6.30pm! Man, i'll be yawning away in da office again.
I'll update more when i have the mood. Am going through rough patches these days.
"There's always that one person that will always have your heart, you never see it coming cos you're blinded from the start." -- My Boo.
The raindrops fell plitter-platter on the window pane. I didnt know raindrops can be such a nice thing to admire at until just now while i was on my journey home from NUS. As the imminent dark clouds reigned over the white ones, i felt a tint of sorrows and agonies. My vision was darkened, my life too.
As the rain gets heavier as the minutes ticked by, my heart sank further and further. My eyes felt watery as i grew deep in thoughts. I thought about our smses exchanged this morning. From a heartwarming one to a sarcastic tone from him and then it all ended abruptly. I thought a lot, i controlled my tears from flowing. It took me great pains and strength. And without realisation, i fell asleep.
The journey was about an hour long. I woke up when i banged my head on the window pane with a loud thud while i was dozing away. As i opened my eyes, the sky was clear and the sun was beaming with cheerful rays. I knew it was a new start, its a new beginning. The storm ended, so did those melancholic memories within me.
I told him im giving up, im leaving you. I told him i tried to understand him but i failed. I too, told him i had put in my all cos i lost a love once and i dont wanna lose it again. I din wanna lose him so i held on to this so tightly. I told him it was till that night before i realised i dont mean much to you at all. It was only till that night i convinced myself that i was nothing to you and i shouldnt cling on any further. I said it with much courage, i said it with pains. My heart was tearing apart, do you even think its easy to tell these? No. You couldnt care less, instead your tone turned harsh with spikes. Every word from you pricked my heart even more. I was terribly hurt. I was sobbing inside.
I envy the raindrops. Its like heaven's tears. The bigger the pour, the harder it cry, the louder it wept, the more it eliminated all the unhappiness within. I wanna be like the sky, i wanna cry out as hard, as loud and all my unhappiness and pains. I wanna remove every inch of em off my heart, off my mind, off me.
Movie fanatic! I caught 3 movies just last week. Taxi, The Forgotten and The Incredibles. Just like what the papers say, "forget the forgotten". Its retarded, its dumb, it sucks. 2 stars upon 5. boo.
Andre and all lied. They did it on purpose. What great friends i have. haha. The Incredibles was great. Its really funny. Go catch it! 4 stars upon 5 im giving.
Im hate myself for being so softhearted. And i really have no idea what guys think. Initially i thought guys aint that hard to comprehend. Maybe his is a different case. I really dont understand him, not in the least bit.
Too bad, i'll never have a chance to understand him more. We no longer have a chance to know more about each other, no longer have a chance to love one another.
This is a nice song. An old one though. By Stephanie Sun Yan Zi - Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough
I don't wanna lose you, I don't wanna use you
just to have sombody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Now I could never change you I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain And like a fool who will
never see the truth I keep thinking something's gonna change
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
there beside you where I used to lay
And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
My dream felt so real. But hey, it is real thats why i dreamt of what happened. Its all over. I mean it, and i know it.
I was upset when u din really bother. But later i was glad when i saw your message 50 minutes later. I guess i was too mad, i scared you off. Or did i irritate you too much you dont wanna reply anymore.
I asked you if you really care about me, you said YA. I asked you why cant i feel it, you said you do not know and you stopped replying me. My heart ached a hell lot before it stopped having any emotions. I knew for sure it was the end. I knew for sure my fantasy and naivety stopped at that point of time.
I guessed i screwed it up, but i do not blame myself. Its a matter of time i realise the truth and stop having illusions about this affair, stop deluding myself. This is all fated, it was all fated to end it right on the 13th of November 2004. It was all fated.
Our destiny ends right there. It took me some time to convince myself that its really the end, he does not love me anymore, he does not wanna be with me. You may think that i am mad, im insane, im such an irritant. But i can tell you with wide open smiles, no im not. I just wanna know, how much i actually weigh, how much your concerns are for me.
One thing i know for sure, the truth always hurts. But the truth can never be wrong. I will be strong, i will accept this harsh fact, i will accept it with much confidence that i will never break down and cry for you again.
Shopping at FarEast, drinking at Music Underground, dinner at Cineleisure, the puking scenerio, the cab ride home with my head on your strong comfy shoulders, the narcissistic you, the way you tried to tickle me, the way you look, the way you smile, lunch at Pastamania, watching you play billiard at Pavilion, those volleyball matches, supporting you quietly alone upstairs, the concerned look on my face when you lost the match, the smiley look on my face when you won, our million and one words exchanged online, literally giving hugs and kisses, seeing you at Chinablack, all the tiffs and bickers, quarrels and venting of anger, me almost being the third party, you telling me i will never lose you, all the precious smses, waking up early and forgoing my sleep to give you morning call which actually mean nothing to you at all, waiting up on every Friday and Saturday for you to be home and come online cos im affected that your're clubbing in Chinablack, frantically searching your black star stud every time im out shopping, constantly keeping your images in my mind, your figure in my heart.
All these memories will be kept here in my blog from now on. Im removing em from my broken heart, its slowly fading away from my own memories. I know its tough, its near to 0% successful rate. But i'll try hard, very hard.
I guess its time to say goodbye. Thanks for all the memories made, be it the good or bad. These 3 months or so had really made my life a rollercoaster. Thank you so much, thank you.
We will talk as usual, only if you initiate. Cos i do not know if you wanna talk to me anymore. I hope my feelings hold still from now on. I promised myself not to sulk and be sad anymore after i wake up from my sleep last night. I endured it all throughout as i closed my teary eye.
I miss you..and i love you.. Goodbye.
Faith 4/3 class gathering at Ingrid's house on the 6th of Novemeber 2004 is up on my pictures website. But i only managed to upload 15 photos cos thats the maximun i can do before i exceed the given limit. So sorry humans, u may go to Zhaoting's picture link or ask Rasydin to send ya a zip file of those taken with his camera.
Yes and Faith 4/3 is gonna have a 2nd gathering. This time we're going to Sentosa! Get your swim wear ready, your bikinis or boxers, whatsoever. Hit the beach and dance in the sand, absorb some sun rays and drink salty sea water.
Oh man, i cant wait. Im loving it.
I really dont know what's on your mind.
I dont know what you really want.
Stop giving me false hopes,
stop leading me on.
Ive given in to you so much,
ive put in so much effort to keep it going.
Cant u just put in a little more effort to make me happier?
Stop taking me for granted.
Please remember im a girl after all.
I need my own pride and strength.
Im not that strong after all.
Ive been acting strong for so long,
hiding my scares and insecurities.
I feel so weak outta sudden,
i guess i needed a break.
Im tired of being strong.
I wanna share my buddens with someone,
with you.
But look what you've done.
You made me cry again.
What have i done wrong?
Havent i given you enough chances?
I guess you doesnt wanna be with me,
then why are u giving me false hopes?
I rather you tell me straight in my face,
that we can never be together.
At least i will feel better this way,
at least i will tell myself to go away.
Why did you tell me u still have feelings for me?
But yet pretend that you dont.
Just what are you trying to do?
Are you happier when im gone?
Not away from you,
but vanish from this cruel world.
But no,
im not gonna die for you.
Please tell me what to do.
If you do not wanna be with me,
just tell me straight.
At least i know what step to take next.
I'll rather you be mean, then love and lie.
I'll rather hear the truth, and have to say goodbye.
I'll rather take the blow, at least then i will know.
But baby dont you break my heart slow..
S H O P P I N G ! !
Hit town with Juan and Ting yesterday evening. Bought a purple skirt to match my purple bag. Quite lame right? And i got myself a pair of pink earrings. Mummy asked me why din i get a purple one too. lol.
So i sorta spent all the money i earned for that 2 days of work. How sad. All these stuffs i bought aint what i wanted to buy. In other words, im gonna spend again. >.<
Wayne, Leo and Alvin came to join us later in the night. We caught Taxi at 1.35am. Not bad i could say, indeed funny. 3.5 stars upon 5 i'll rate.
Im dying to watch The Forgotten. Andre and all watched it last night. They said it was fantabulous. And i only wanna watch it with him. But i guess, there wont be a chance. So i'll prolly get my girlfriends to watch it with me. Oh well..
And i need to get down for some real tanning session asap. My tann has faded, im now back to the fair fair me again. Yucks. Tanning kakis, please do your job! Get your ass into the beach, we're gonna party in the sun. woohooo ~
Ebony is attacking me!! She scratched my hand like he's digging soil and even my face! Im ruined.
Anyway, work yesterday was so much better than expected. I close 11 applications okay! Hip hip hooray! YayyyYy.
Was a little down just now. Talked it out with him but what's new? There was no conclusions lahh. Argh. f it.
Will be heading to town later with Ting and Juan. Shopping time! I think my attitude is pretty much better now. I din vent it anyhow when i was moody just now and just after a 10 mins of rest on da bed, i feel good.
So right now, all is BACK TO NORMAL. In other words, im still lost. blahs.
First day of work sucks totally. And job well done, i closed a total of ZERO - 0 applications the whole of today. While the others managed to close like 8 or so.
I felt damn inferior of myself. But well, im more to an introvert, and i dont feel good talking to strangers. Especially when the roadshow is located in a factory at Tuas. The people there are mainly blacks or malaysians. I feel weird and terrible. Not forgetting, its my first day of work. I actually forgot the benefits and all. Totally zero idea how to get em to sign up for the credit cards.
Work is on again tomorrow at the same place. I hope i'll be able to close at least 5 applications this time round. Im gonna be aggressive. Who cares about my image, i aint gonna see those people there again, will i? Nehs.
But seriously, i dread to work with Citibank. Its the first time i feel so stressed up while working. Hate the feeling man. I rather not work man.
Have supposingly decided to go Hongkong with Juan, Leo, Wayne and prolly their friend ZhongYing. But on the day of departure, ive to work and i cant back out now. So now, i cant go Hongkong with em. Sad.
But i may be going to Hongkong with Mummy and Meimei on the first week of December just before my school resumes. Hopefully yes.
I realised the truth behind the facade, only as our distance grew further apart. Im upset, but im not gonna do anything about it. Unless, you're gonna be the one who try to pull us closer once again. G o o d b y e.
This entry is dedicated to Chewlian and all humans who got their heart brokened.
With acknowledgement to Dictionary.com, i got a defination for love. This is what they define love as.
10 entries found for love.
- A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
- A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
- a. Sexual passion.
b. Sexual intercourse.
c. A love affair. - An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
- A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
- An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
- a. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
b. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love. - Love Mythology. Eros or Cupid.
- often Love Christianity. Charity.
- Sports. A zero score in tennis.
And the synonyms..
Synonyms: love, affection, devotion, fondness, infatuation. These nouns denote feelings of warm personal attachment or strong attraction to another person. Love is the most intense: marrying for love. Affection is a less ardent and more unvarying feeling of tender regard: parental affection. Devotion is earnest, affectionate dedication and implies selflessness: teachers admired for their devotion to children. Fondness is strong liking or affection: a fondness for small animals. Infatuation is foolish or extravagant attraction, often of short duration: lovers blinded to their differences by their mutual infatuation.
But what exactly is love? I bet nobody seriously knows. I doubt it can even be explained in words. To me, its an intense emotion which is consistently changing. Either towards the positive, or the negative side. Im not only talking about the boy-girl kinda love, but also God's, parental, friends and love towards animals and whatever nots.
And of cause, many or can i say all of us have got our heart brokened at least once due to love. And im sure it wasnt easy to mend that broken heart of yours. But time do tell, it does heals the wound inflicted. Be it short term or long term, one will gradually get over it some day or another.
But love is indeed incredible. It can cause a person to turn berserk, it can create a murderer or cause one to commit suicide. It can cause 2 or more people to bear grudges against each other and also cause hatred to grow. It can turn friends into foes, turn a person's life upside down, causing one to suffer from depression. And the list goes on, whatever negative effects you can think of.
But love, can also bring smiles to your radiant face day in day out. Love can make one happy and fortunate. Oh man, i cant think of what other positive effects love can bring. But im sure there are more. Its all in the mind.
Whatever it is, love is weird, its irritating, its sweet, its sour, its bitter, its romantic, its good, its bad, it sucks etc etc. Its all how you wanna view it. Take it on the low, everything will turn out just fine.
Learn to let go when needed, learn to be strong. Learn to face the music and accept whatever harsh fact there is in this real world. There is seriously no point pushing the blaming on anyone when a relationship failed to work out or when someone have a change or heart. It takes two hands to clap.
Love is an emotion, its a feeling. Its something one cannot control. One cannot stop loving another, neither can one stop another from loving yourself. And no, it cannot stop someone from having a change of heart.
Enough said, too tired to go on. And in conclusion, what is love?
H o m e S w e e t H o m e
Today's a long day. Faith 4-3 '2003 had a class gathering at Ingrid's house today. It was successful i could say and all of us really enjoyed ourselves throughout. Her house is so damn big, so relaxing with their own swimming pool. Its in Orchard, what ya expect man.
After which, head off to town to meet up with my girlies and the icys. The rest caught The Doll Master while Lyn and i decided to head home. I dislike horror movies. Aint gonna spend money to scare myself and make myself hallucinate and having illusions about such stuffs.
And so, im home now..with much fatigue and a little moodiness within. My entire mind is filled with his images once again. I wonder why im so weak and lousy. I said i'll be a strong girl. I said i'll forget all about it. I said i'll start anew. I said i'll make sure im happy every day. But its not happening. Instead, im still a weak and vulnerable girl within. Everything is just a facade. Its all fake, unreal, pretends.
Im so so so diappointed in myself.
Mummy asked me a question last night while i was preparing dinner for the family.
Mum: "How come suddenly now you got no boyfriend?
Her words surprised me.
Me: "Why should i have a boyfriend?
Mum: "I thought you always have boyfriend one? Why now dont have already?"
Me: "since when i always have boyfriend?"
Mum: "Everytime got phonecall for you from guys, now dont even have one. Why ah?"
Me: "Cos never meet the right guy, then no boyfriend lo"
Mum: "Sure you got no boyfriend anot?"
Me: "Yah lah, is there a need to have a boyfriend?"
Mum: "Last time cannot have boyfriend then u have, now can have boyfriend already but dont have"
Me: "..."
Mum: "Go Citibank find one lah"
Me: "yes yes, find a rich one. Best if got drive car right?"
Mum: "As if you got such good luck"
Me: "-.-"
Mummy was weird last night. Kept asking me to look for a boyfriend. What sia, scared i left on the shelve right! And she actually said now i can have a boyfriend. I still think im still young to have one. lol
She used to give me lotsa excuses to break up with my ex boyfriends. Once, she wrote on a piece of paper in CHINESE 10 reasons why i should break up with him. I had a hard time reading what she wrote. My Chinese sucks for goodness sake. And the other time, daddy gave me 7 words when he saw my ex boyfriend. "Xian Hua Cha Zai Niu Fen Shang" In direct translation to English, it meant "Fresh flower placed on top of cow dung". Tell me how mean they can get?
When i found one, i'll make sure i bring him home and all they have for him are good comments. No nasty ones. But that's if i found one lah. Happy waiting mummy and daddy. Your daughter may end up being an old maid. =X
Clubbed at Chinablack with Eunice last night. Met up with some people, saw Lynn and her friends there as well. So we were all dancing together. Eunice and Lynn both stayed over at my place and they left not too long ago.
The music was so-so but the crowd was shit. Especially those idiotic morons, imbecile childish unsophisticated ahbengs, who created chaos last night when the lights were turned on at 3am. They should just fucking wake up from their idea and go back to your mama's arsehole. Matha fuck. Get back to your MS or Sparks if need be. Dont downgrade Chinablack for goodness sake. No offence, but they were really too much.
Shoutings and quarrels are like inevitable. But do they like need to go to the extent of stabbing someone? Fucking retards. And the poor guy that got stabbed was Lynn's friend. Tall and skinny, got stabbed on the right chest. Thank God it wasnt the left, or he might have died if he got stabbed right in his heart. He was attacked from behind then stabbed in the front. Retarded fucktards. Get a life. Heard that he got his lungs punctured. Damn those ahbengs.
I hope he is okay now. Seemed rather weak and pale i heard.
Anyway, HE was there last night too. We chatted a little. Things were great until the end when everything changed. His moodswing attacked again and i was the victim for him to vent his anger on. I lost my cool, we sort of quarreled. Din have da mood to dance anymore even though the music was nice. sigh.
Oh great! This is the 3rd day im stucked at home. Feel my sacarsm over here humans. I feel so decomposed. But not when my Ebony is around. I just love her so..
Ive changed my layout. Quite pleased but not totally. I included a picture of me and Ebony at the right over there, but it doesnt seem to be working. Gonna get some help from Alex later. Hopefully he can help me solve this problem. yeaps.
Tag me humans, tag me! Give me your comments. Should i change da fonts? I think its a little difficult to be read, heh?
So..i'm going to start work tomorrow. Training starts at 9am. My slacky holidays have came to an end. Once again, i really dont feel good working at Citibank. Argh. My parents are more excited than i am. Ive no diea why. But i just hope i'll get fired right on my first day. Haha. But no of cos. No matter how much i dread working, i'll still do my very best. I will excel!
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
* mates.
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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